Friendship is Rare*

Recently in an IM conversation, a friend asked me, "do you have any friends you really have a hard time standing?"

It took me a few minutes to formulate my answer, and even then I'm not sure I presented my viewpoint correctly. I told her that essentially no, I don't, because if I can't stand a person, I am not going to be their friend. Essentially it is as simple as that. But I've continued to ponder this question.

Friendship can be made of interesting terrain. If I were to say "I have no issues with any of my friends whatsoever," it'd be a lie. But I don't choose my friends based on the possible "up time" of our relationship, I choose them initially for what we have in common, and then if I feel like they might improve my life. Because yes, even conflict can improve life; it doesn't all have to be honey. But this means that I could go weeks, months, years not talking to someone who I consider a real friend, through and through. And it's never that I don't like them anymore, or are mad at them; I'm simply thinking things through and will get back to them. When we're both ready. Sometimes the only reason we're apart is that we just got busy with our separate lives and lost contact with eachother. And I certainly won't sit there whining that "they never call," because there's a good chance they're whining the same thing about me.

Some of the friends I have the most fun with are ones who I felt a lot of conflict with in the beginning. Anyone in our group would tell you that Makal is an "enabler" to his friends; if there's something enjoyable (but risky) to be done, but you know a certain person will never have the balls to do it on their own, Makal's the one you call in to convince them how awesome it will be, and pat them on the back afterwards. And nobody ever dislikes him for the peer pressure in the end. But me? I'm the "changer", as it were. I get people to change their annoying habits. I teach people to ask before they take, to not be so worried about just being themselves, to not talk over other people all the fucking time. That leads to me presenting as a bit of a bitch at the start, but I'm okay with that. I know I'm not a bitch, and my friends all think I'm awesome and continuously surprise me at the most wonderful times.

But it's not like I always try to change the other person if and when we don't get along; that would be hypocritical and I hate being that. When I'm at the point of annoyance with a friend--no matter how long I've known him/her--I always try to take the time and question myself before I go making it obvious that they're annoying me. I'm the only child of a single parent, and that alone is bound to create a handful of possibly annoying scenarios. I'm sure most other "only children" would agree that sometimes it's really annoying to have friends come over and keep touching your stuff, because it's yours and they never asked if they could play with it to begin with. But you know what? It's just stuff, and just because your friends had brothers and sisters doesn't mean they don't respect you enough to not break your things. And hell, even if something does get broken? It's still just stuff, and sometimes stuff breaks. It's often not worth getting mad over. And as much as I've had to sit through that thought process, it also applies as a lovely metaphor to other situations.

What it boils down to is not that I don't have friends who I sometimes can't stand, but that I don't have friends who never inspire me to change for the better. Obviously, if you enjoy spending time with a person, they're improving your life. But friends can also do things that annoy you, and that makes you think: do they annoy you because they're being stupid? or because you're being stupid? I have no problem finding that it's the latter, and always kind of enjoy when it is. I mean, if I can realize that I was somehow being stupid, then I can change. And I love knowing people who inspire me to change.

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*
Friendship is rare,
Do you know what I'm sayin' to you?
Friendship is rare.
My derriere,
When you find out much later
That they don't really care.
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me, can't you see?
- excerpt from "Friendship" by Tenacious D