Geek Boys: Welcome to School

Entirely unrelated to the V(enereal disease)day so many seem intent on celebrating, I have to pardon myself and go on a little rant. This one goes out to all the fellas in the club.

Geek Boys: listen up! This is the 21st century. You are not alone in your geekiness and, remarkably, you have come to be respected for it. You are technicians and system architects, designers of polygons and creators of fine 3D renders. For fun you write the algorithms that power Electric Sheep, and for work you write code that will eventually be bought by Google. This is Time of the Geek, and you can't deny it any longer. You don't have to open your curtains to see it, just get online. None of the people that matter in this world today are making fun of you; they all freaking love you.

So you know what, Geek Boy? Grow the fuck up. You have the power now, so learn how to use it. If you're going to roll initiative before you do anything, make sure to use your weighted dice, because the odds are now in your favour. This is entitling you to a whole world you probably never expected to see: fame! fortune! and yes, even women! These things (and more) can be yours, for the mere price of... maturity.

See, here's the deal. Women like geeks. And I don't mean that in the lame "10 reasons to date a geek" (because he'll plug your computer in for you! teehee! ^_^) way. No, Geek Boy, geeks are just cool. You guys make the coolest movies, write the most awesome graphic novels, and design the games everyone has to play. You can do anything and be anywhere (thanks to the power of the Internet, a few choice proxies, and a working knowledge of security loopholes). Right now, Geek Boy, you are so the man.

And you know what? I'm the woman. Yes, me. (/waves) I'm the Orc Hunter who just pwned you in Zangarmarsh. It took me a week to learn, on my own, the programming language you went to school for. I can reassemble my computer with my eyes closed, and I can type on my blank keyboard with one hand behind my back. But here's the tricky part: I'm also hot. S'okay, I know that scares you off a little. You're going to have to learn to accept me, because I'm one of you now.

Honest, I am! I play female characters in arcade fighters because I think they're hot (and I memorize which button will get the skimpiest outfit), and I pirate anime full of chicks with big... eyes. I know you probably don't think that I'm real, because surely no actually intelligent, self-respecting hottie would ever fall in line with a bunch of dweebs like you. But I really do like you, Geek Boy, and I think you're awesome! I wish you thought you were awesome too. :( And know this: just because tentacle rape amuses the fuck out of me doesn't mean that I won't take offense if you start dissing on my kind--if you start making cracks about the hottie just because she can't hear you.

As a geek girl I've put up with a lot of shit from you, Geek Boy: you've hounded me for pictures ("or it didn't happen"), you've slapped me around in-game as I cried over the Orgrimmar grunt not accepting my token of love (hello? it's called "role playing"?), and you've linked me to meatspin so often that I know a handful of mirror sites by heart. But the worst way you've offended me, Geek Boy? Somewhere along the line, with every impossibly proportioned female game character, with every fan service anime, with every stupid pink princess who can't save her own damn self, you've developed this viewpoint of women being vapid, whorish idiots. You've assumed that just because I have tits and sometimes show them off in public forums, I'm open game for jokes about my morals and "experience".

And Geek Boy, that pisses me off a helluva lot.

In fact, it makes your life suck even harder than your mom, because with an attitude like that, you'll never score with a hot geek girl like me. You have effectively delegated yourself to the back row of desirable partners, which is quite a feat since you're so in demand these days.
Yet there you sit, alone and unwashed, playing some hardcore dating sim on your hacked DS, glaring at every female who passes by... She'll never understand you! She won't accept you! Too bad for her, cuz you're such a nice guy.

Geek Boy, welcome to school. Your lesson for today? The chicks in anime aren't real. The chicks in video games aren't real. Even your precious idols aren't real--they are manufactured stereotypes designed to sell the most albums and merch possible. Do not mistake a pair of tits for a beating heart, and don't mistake me for someone who feels bad for you. Not anymore, at least. I think it sucks that you can't get a date, but I really wish you wouldn't "settle" for the chick who works at the food court Burger King, in lieu of a little self-analysis.

If you pulled your head out of that source book for a few minutes, you might realize that I'm probably not the only hot geek girl who wants to date you, Geek Boy. But only if you can show that you're not the geek you think we see you as, because despite your insecurities, we see what you could be. If only you'd step up to the plate. And stop staring at our breasts--that's what "eyes" are actually called, btw. Our real eyes are on our head and we actually like it if you stare at those.