Sleep Deprived Mumblings, in two parts (Part II)

Whilst laying awake staring at the four corners of the room, I strongly considered getting up to blog. Or at least continue working on the latest "weekend project" for my Members Only website. I mean, my brain was all active and stuff, and I can be really productive at night. But, I didn't get up, and instead hoped desperately to fall asleep. Why? Because I was worried that if I got up Makal would notice my absence before too long, and would come looking for me, thus interrupting his own precious few hours of sleep. And I just couldn't do that to him.

So what would I have blogged about? Luckily I seem to remember the general concept... something about how I've not posted in a while but have still been writing posts, and I just feel guilty for posting something completely new and not concluding the birthday affair. See, after saying that some "big event" is coming up--like, oh, my birthday--I feel really bad if I don't go all extensive on those details ASAP, writing them out play by play as soon as a connection to the 'Net is available. But seriously, why do that? I mean, I like having a blog about my personal life and recognize that my current career goal does involve a degree of notoriety/public existence. Yet...

I don't really want to get super explicit in describing my life. I experience events in my own unique way and it becomes harder and harder to describe personal things "well" in a manner that leaves me feeling like the memories are still mine. You know how they warn parents not to live behind the camera, because they'll miss actually experiencing their children's lives in lieu of "preserving the memories"? That's kind of what blogging is like--or at least, can be. It is so easy to get trapped into this mindset of "OMG this happened, I have to blog it while it's still recent!"

Well you know what? My birthday was super. I bought new shoes and wore a skirt hand-made by a real life fashion designer with whom I happened to have worked alongside years ago. I met friends I didn't expect to see at a restaurant that used to be a bordello. I ate a delicious dinosaur cake made with love, drank tequila with cilantro in it, and went dancing at one of my favourite clubs. People who never dance danced at my birthday party. And Makal loved the hell out of me. The fact that it happened over a week ago doesn't dampen my continuing enjoyment of the evening, and (correct me if I'm wrong but I assume that) the short, delayed description of that night's events doesn't ruin your enjoyment of this blog either.

I follow a gal on Flickr who goes by the name Avalore; she recently posted a pic (moderately nsfw) with commentary I could thoroughly relate to. Here's an excerpt:

You know what's weird? It's like, the more people who look at my site/stream/blog, the more I try to censor myself. The more I try to be so much less sexual, so much less graphic, so much less exposed. I guess that only makes sense. I think it's actually directly related to the amount of people who now look at my sites who know me in real life.

The only difference between she and I, based on this comment, is that, well, I'm trying to be more sexual, more graphic, to expose myself for more people. But it's the same idea: there is something about exposure to the public eye that makes a person want to hide in a room for three months.

Sometimes, my lack of posting isn't for lack of creativity, or lack of interesting experiences, but for lack of... for lack of giving a fuck about who doesn't know what happened on my sixth birthday party. There are people who blog because they want/need the attention, and it's very likely that I was once one of them. Now? Not so much. Anymore I blog because I just enjoy it. I've managed to cultivate a lovely little community of readers and fellow bloggers, and if I post a link or an anecdote it's because I know that one of them will enjoy it. This isn't about the stats, the links, the page rank or the authority. I'm just a girl; I just wanna blog about my life and the stuff I like, awaiting subscribers be damned.

Sometimes I just need to say it out loud and hear it for myself.

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Also, I had MC Frontalot's song "Pitch Black" stuck in my head. Damn that is a catchy tune; I learned last night that I apparently do have the first half memorized, but the second is still giving me troubles. Here's some gratuitous nerdcore video: