No Meer Veneer of Vanity

I guess you could say that I'm in a blogging funk. At least I think that's what they call it, when you want to post something--oh you really want to--but every time you sit down to type, a few paragraphs of what in retrospect is phooey is all that comes out. Blah. On my Google customized homepage, I've got this little applet called the Writer's Unblock Tool. It consists of five lines which I'm pretty sure are just randomly drawn from a a pool of sections for predesignated sentence structures. It's suppose to be inspiring, but every time I read it I just think it sounds like some sort of redunkulous story that would be hard to make sense of. Take this one for example: "You are walking beside a priest/with a terrible memory./Such joy spills like wine from a jug;/a man is selling stray cats,/while a toy horse rocks in the corner." Maybe I'm just sick and twisted, but any story involving loss of memory, wine, and children's toys sounds like a story about Michael Jackson and one I don't care to read.

As I said a couple of posts ago, I'm full of thinking lately. The plans to model for SuicideGirls have changed. While I could have stood being involved with the site despite the controversy over their business ethics (I am one for controversy...) I had too many people rap on my head and remind me of the alternatives--and the consequences. If Makal and I had discussed starting a personal site for me (of me?), it is true that it wouldn't make much sense to sell a year of work to someone else only to start anew somewhere else. Why not just invest that same amount of work (okay, more) in doing now what we would be doing after my SG contract was up? I've got my pervy little roots in entrepreneurship anyway, and Makal is an excellent business-man/-partner/-supporter (and the same outside of business). So all this time that I've not been updating here has actually been spent working on a legitimate business plan, which in and of itself is hard but creative work.

When I look at it like that, I guess I shouldn't be too worried by my absence here. In the end it will be for a good cause--even MORE updates and content here--and I know it will be worth it. I hope, at least. As long as I don't desolve into a document-editing, self-doubting pile of goo, it should come out okay. Honestly, the concept that anyone would want to pay money to see me nekkid is absurd. And people actually wanting a monthly a subscription? Pfft, please. Yeah, I have done live cam work, and yes, people would buy shows that lasted an hour or more. By that logic you could conclude that there is indeed demand for nekkid Merrick. But that was all run by someone else, and all I had to worry about was if the lighting was causing a glare on my glasses (and ARGH, it usually did). It feels different when the site is run by me and contains only me. I... I could go on, but chances are it wouldn't be productive.

*sigh* I just want to curl up and sleep. Better yet, I want it to be sunny again, so that I can open the curtains and have warm natural light in the room. For months now, the curtains have remained closed, and a peek now and again just reveals gray skies, muddy grass and dried brown leaves. I'm ready for the windows to be open so a fresh breeze can clean out all this stale winter air, even if that means I'll have to constantly shut them because of the damn loud lawnmowers the landscaping crew pushes around. Until then, I'll just have to sleep.